Back and Forth

A lot can happen in a year. In January 2010 I had only one child. A year later, I have three. I wasn't blogging back then. Now I blog in two places and can't imagine not. A year ago, swollen with a pair of foetuses in my belly, I felt brave and optimistic and determined I could survive whatever they threw at me. That stoicism has wavered a little bit as time and again I've felt myself sinking under the weight of this responsibility, ever so briefly, before I pull it together and pop back above the surface. A year ago, all I wanted was to get out of Sydney. Now circumstances suggest I may be here for a while yet.

It's been nearly a year with two babies attached to my boobs, vomiting on my clothes, waking me night after night, crying to be held day after day, smiling when I walk in the room, giggling when I tickle their squishy bits, gazing with awe at their big sister, learning to roll and sit and crawl and stand, growing into wildly different, endlessly amusing, heartbreakingly beautiful little beings. And their big sister, she of the "Why?" and "But why?" and "Just 16 more minutes, Mummy," how she has challenged me and exasperated me, brought out an impatience in me that leaves me despairing, and given me several-times-daily cause to laugh and marvel and just love.

And I know this blog task isn't about my children, and yet it is entirely, because while I had given 2010 over to just surviving the second (and third) baby thing, until recently 2011 was going to be about clawing back something just for me. I was going to list creative endeavours crazy and simple, like buying a piano and playing it, going to the movies more regularly, seeing a bit of theatre, pursuing this craft bug that has bitten, letting the blogs be an outlet for the writing that has lain dormant for so long. And yes, that's all still on the list.

But whatever lies ahead, I now declare 2011 the year of just getting it right with my girls. Being their mama; nourishing their bodies and spirits; showing them how to cook and read and hold a pencil properly; letting them show me how to play and dance and make fairy wands; and weaving all of the piano-playing and movie-going and knitting and sewing and writing in and out of our days together.